all about The Baby?

Vicki, sweater look familiar?

For me, loneliness was the most surprising aspect of new motherhood. I never expected to feel so alone or isolated during those first few months, in a figurative sense. The Baby completed me, a la mini-me - yet I felt the sting of the loss of my old self, my old body, my old happy-go-luckiness. These feelings, I learned, had nothing to do with my husband, family or friends.  It might have helped if it were acceptable to discuss any of my feelings honestly with others. Why aren't these unsettling feelings, which are perfectly acceptable in the work, dating and marriage world, so unmentionable in this new world?

where's the puppy?

Because I'm moving soon, I haven't made much of an effort to get to know many any other new moms in the area. As you know, Kaellyn has been a regular at events like my ladies lunches since she was two weeks old, and we often spend time with old friends. Lately though, she is becoming too mobile for non-child-friendly environments. Plus, I want her to be around other babies, so she doesn't grow up barking, begging for treats and licking her butt.  I realize now how necessary it is to find support, for both of us, even if it exists outside my comfort zone. The time has come. 

lounging on the couch

So recently I've taken Kaellyn to more appropriate places, like a Mom's group, play areas, and playgroups, which, much to my chagrin, require interacting with Other Babies' Parents. That being said, the next aspect of being a mother for which I was least prepared was having to deal with other parents and parent-figures with whom I’d have absolutely no interest and no necessity for any kind of social contact if I weren't now a Mom With a Baby.  The New Mom World is like middle school. There are cliques, superior, snarky attitudes and undermining competition. A seemingly innocent playgroup is full of backhanded compliments, judgmental questions and long conversations about poop. These people conduct adult conversations in baby talk and no doubt their Facebook statuses are those that are featured on one of the best blogs ever, STFU Parents. Don't get me wrong, there are many average, well-rounded, interesting Baby Parents out there, many of whom are my friends, but most of them have full-time jobs, older children, or don't live near me. I suspect those I haven't met already have their own cliques and don't need to subject themselves to public activities to meet people.

Nothing can make one feel more inadequate than a clique of women armed with wipes and designer diaper bags. A few weeks ago, I attended a lunch through a Meet Up (key word - MEET) with six other moms and their babies, most of whom, had already formed a clique of which I was, obviously, no part. The only other mom who didn't seem to know anyone and I began to make small talk. She ran through the usual topics: our babies' names, ages, sleeping habits and developmental and physical progress (crawling, percentiles and the like). Her baby is sooooo thriving and healthy because she exclusively breastfeeds and had a natural childbirth! OMG! As I wiped the snot from Kaellyn's face and shoved a bottle of formula in her mouth, I smiled and nodded. I withheld the fact that not only did I have drugs during and after childbirth, but I would have gladly taken an epidural-to-go had it been offered. Not to mention I should probably own stock in Enfamil.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about how I would not be "all about the baby" when I had a baby. I knew about these parents who only talked about The Baby, wouldn't leave The Baby, and shunned all activities that did not involve The Baby. That was not going to be me! So, here I am with a blog on which I mostly write about having a baby and take pictures of my baby. Is becoming one of "them" the only answer?

There has got to be some sort of in-between.

lounging on daddy

I do know that there can't be a finish line when it comes to communicating and competing with other parents. As in other aspects of life, there is always going to be someone who is smarter, better informed, healthier, prettier and better dressed than me (and my baby.) I'd bet my epidural that NO ONE is more organized than me though!!! Anyway, relationships in general are unpredictable - baby or no baby, you can't make somebody like or want to spend time with you; you can't make yourself like or want to be around somebody else, even if that person is a good person and deserving of friendship. No moral judgment, just life as we know it.

But guess what? Kaellyn doesn't care about any of that. A hug, some grub and love is all she needs right now. My insecurities and self-consciousness, the opinions of the better-informed moms with more advanced babies don’t matter to her. These people who elude me - those other parents I’m so intimidated and frustrated by are, for the most part, and will remain, strangers. And, as much as it kills me, I will continue to smile and nod until I find my inbetween.